Clooney, Pitt have some fun

As opposed to any other moment of their lives.

(CNN.)

Longtime Bozo the Clown dead at 83

As coffin is lowered into his grave, this sound effect to be played.

(CNN.)

Hannah Storm will join ESPN in August

Now THAT's the Inside Stuff.

(The New York Times.)

Internet failure hits two continents

But not yours, evidently.

(CNN.)

Kirsten Dunst, Ryan Gosling set for 'Things'

Tobey Maguire, Rachel McAdams plan revenge with 'Stuff'

(Entertainment Weekly.)

Buckeyes, Tigers get Nintendo Wiis as bowl gifts

Ohio State immediately opens enrollment to "History of the Nintendo Wii."

(Sports Illustrated.)

NFL Network to show Giants-Pats on NBC, CBS

Game will be filmed by everyone but Bill Belichick.

(Sports Illustrated.)

AOL to cut 2,000 jobs

In lieu of pink slips, laid off will suddenly lose Internet connection and be told "Good bye!"

(CNN.)

Justices Decline to Hear Murder Appeal

Inform O.J. he's already done enough damage.

(The New York Times.)

Mime legend Marcel Marceau dies

Silent eulogy to recall times he got trapped in clear box and walked down imaginary steps.

(CNN.)

Decades After a Ford Plant Closes, Waste Remains

EPA says plant contaminated with hundreds of Probes and Pintos.

(The New York Times.)

Levi's sues the pants off of Polo

Polo mulls sexual assault counter suit.

(CNN.)

Selig Will Watch Bonds Go for Record

Slugger signs with Aftermath; "desperately" wants collaboration with Clay Aiken.

(The New York Times.)

Improvement in Life Seen in Sub-Saharan Africa

Crew relieved after captain says he'll stop naming submarines ironically.

(The New York Times.)

102-Year-Old Calif. Woman Hits Hole-in-1

Brags that it's more impressive than 1-year-old hitting Hole-in-102.

(Associated Press.)

Mayo sparks U.S. junior team past World Select

World Select asks to speak to manager, insists order was to 'hold the Mayo.'

(Sports Illustrated)

Famous clown gets tiny bike back

Anonymous clowns still in search of dignity.

Headline courtesy of Elephant Larry's Geoff Haggerty. (CNN.)

Urbina Sentenced to 14 Years in Prison

Milwaukee Brewers contract with no-trade clause to expire in 2021.

(Associated Press.)

Soccer Star Mia Hamm Welcomes Twin Girls

While the babies' names have not yet been revealed, baseball star Nomar Garciaparra has been renamed "Chopped Liver."

(People.)

UNC women overcome Latta injury

But soon must pay Tunza medical bill.

(Sports Illustrated.)

'Punk'd' ending after eight seasons

Ashton Kutcher still waiting for someone to run out and tell him it's just a prank.

(CNN.)

Report: North Korea Asks Russia to Write Off $8.8B Debt

Pending approval, snarky headline blogger will ask Sallie Mae for forgiveness of comparable student loans.

(Fox News.)

Airline Moves Dead Body to 1st Class

Flight attendants then realize alive passenger is Abe Vigoda.

(Associated Press.)

Cate Blanchett joins cast of 'Indy 4'

Set to wheel around Dr. Jones and his I.V. unit as giant boulder accelerates toward them.

(Entertainment Weekly.)

Halliburton to Move Headquarters to Dubai

Company had run out of space in Dick Cheney's living room.

(Fox News.)

Man Saves Bulldog With Mouth-to-Snout Resuscitation

Touchstone Pictures greenlights 'Turner & Hooch' sequel.

(Fox News.)